Saturday, 31 December 2016

Russia 'seeking to destabilise Eye Cabinet'

Fears rose last night that Russian agents were behind a mysterious spate of illnesses that have struck down key members and allies of the Eye Cabinet in recent days, including Wandsworth Eye himself. "Orders to decapitate the Eye Cabinet have undoubtedly come directly from President Putin," explained Russia expert Prof Boris Johnsonov of Islington Polytechnic. "Wandsworth Eye's sharp critique of Russia's Syria strategy on Twitter last week appears to have been the final straw as far as Putin was concerned. He never forgives an adversary."

Putin orders 'decapitation' strategy against Eye Cabinet

The week of Russian-instigated terror began on Christmas Day when Wandsworth Eye awoke with a severely swollen foot after eating Russian-style biscuits and had to be ferried to Sittingbourne's world-famous Memorial Hospital for emergency aid. As news spread of the Eye's incapacity, news came in that much-loved Lady Crawford had been immobilised - potentially forever - by a severe ankle injury, sustained while queuing for a performance of The Nutcracker at Croydon Town Hall. "We fear that she will never be able to attend another Michael Crawford book signing again," a hospital spokesman sighed.

Ambulances race to ferry Eye Cabinet members to hospital
Matters then deteriorated on an hourly basis: Eye Cabinet stalwart Michael Davis was rushed to hospital with chest pains just hours after drinking tea with pro-Russian Labour leftwingers in a London hotel; and much-loved Arcturus 3 was cruelly struck down with Norovirus as she opened a book of Russian short stories borrowed from Streatham Hill library - only miles from the Russian embassy.
"There is a clear pattern emerging here," said Colonel Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth's Civil Contingencies Commissariat. "All known opponents of President Putin in the Brighter Borough are being ruthlessly targeted by cunning Russian agents who will stop at nothing to silence their opponents."
As police, ambulance and fire service vehicles raced noisily down Wandsworth High Street in pursuit of the evil assailants from Moscow, anxious shoppers flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on the grocery chain's much-loved tinned chicken curry and other fine fare. Frail spinster Ethel Dumpton was among them. "Eee, it's just like the war," she commented perceptively. "I remember when Gladstone took our boys back from Dunkirk and Disraeli came to power - ooh they were hard times but we all pulled together. It's just like in them days."

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Eye hailed as 'hero of the valleys'

Busloads of Welsh steelworkers were arriving at Gatwick North Terminal this afternoon to welcome Wandsworth Eye back from his successful mission to save their ailing industry. The Eye flew to the French Riviera on Monday in a last-ditch bid to rescue the Port Talbot steelworks after cruel owners Tata of India pulled the plug on the much-loved industrial complex.

French Riviera: high-powered meetings

At a time of year when most people's thoughts turn to summer holidays, the Eye went straight into high-powered meetings with local steel magnates on the Côte d'Azur, pleading with them to rescue the heart and soul of the Welsh valleys. Eager to leave no stone unturned, the Eye also plundered his celebrity contact book to arrange conference calls with wealthy potential benefactors including Roman Abramovitch, Sophia Loren and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Eye's hectic schedule 

The Eye's hectic schedule took him to dreary meetings in St-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, Villefranche-sur-Mer, Menton, Entrevaux and Antibes. And it was there, late on Friday afternoon, that the breakthrough came: an invitation to discuss the Port Talbot crisis with much-loved industrial tycoon Richard Roper at his modest pied-à-terre on Cap d'Antibes.
Roper's modest residence 

A source said of the encounter: "This was the breakthrough. Mr Roper had heard all about the Eye and saw in him the ideal business partner. Contracts will shortly be signed guaranteeing Port Talbot years of fruitful work. The new joint venture, Roper Eye Consulting, plans further investments in the Middle East and North Africa - which, alas, will mean much arduous business travel for the Eye in the months to come. It is most unfortunate, as the Eye had hoped to visit his dear old Aunt Mabel in Scunthorpe this summer, but work must come first."
Jubilant Welsh steelworkers clad in traditional costumes gathered at Gatwick's plush North Terminal this afternoon to welcome the Eye back to Britain. Their spokesman, Dafydd Davies, said: "Cwm gwillm chwil Roper Eye Consulting cwm Cymru bravo gogogoch!"

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Corbyn 'will seize power and destroy the borough'

Middle-class families were anxiously packing their Volvos and preparing to flee the borough last night as rumours spread of an imminent Corbyn coup.

Jeremy Corbyn: sinister socialist

The hated leftwinger, currently hot favourite to win the Labour leadership contest, was preparing to seize power after a 'March on Westminster', sources said.

'Yes he's definitely going to launch a coup d'état,' said one Labour insider. 'On the night of his election he plans to put on his blazer, lead a battalion of crazed Marxist militiamen to Buckingham Palace, arrest the Queen and dissolve Parliament. From there he plans to march on Wandsworth Town Hall and depose much-loved Council Leader Ravi Govindia. Corbyn has long viewed Wandsworth as a vipers' nest of Tory evil.'

News of the bearded leftie's sinister plot spread like wildfire through the borough's leafy streets. Glamorous socialite Selfridgia Aliceband could be seen filling her 4x4 with hampers stuffed with quails' eggs; and frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton rushed to the shops to fill her trolley with cat food and custard creams. 'When that Attlee gets in he'll destroy the welfare state,' she predicted. 'There'll be nowt left for the likes of me. It'll be just like during the war.'

Hated leftwinger 'will nationalise much-loved Sainsbury's'

Speculation was rife last night that the militant menace would move ruthlessly to nationalise much-loved shopping emporia such as the Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Sources close to the new Wandsworth Debenhams were also trembling with fear. 'He'll turn us into a Soviet-style workers' co-operative before we've even opened,' said one store bigwig. 'We'll be forced to hold Blue Cross sales every week of the year, instead of having honest transparent prices that people can rely on.'

Trusted Debenhams 'could go Soviet'

Last night Wandsworth Eye convened an emergency meeting of the Eye Cabinet. A statement from Eye HQ urged the borough to remain calm but vigilant in the face of the 'unprecedented' leftwing threat. 'If bearded socialists attempt to gain entry to the borough, our middle-class militia will send them packing!' the Eye statement warned. 'Be steadfast and continue to shop at Waitrose!'


Saturday, 13 June 2015

Fears for Eye Secretary as 'stinky' chicken shop prepares to open

Eye Secretary @sarahbowen74 wept last night as the opening of a 'stinky' Chicken Cottage outlet opposite her plush London townhouse threatened to plunge the neighbourhood into the abyss.

The much-loved Eye Secretary Without Portfolio & Eye Spokesperson for Health, Social Care & Women's Issues was said to be "on the brink of despair" ahead of the opening of the hated fast-food emporium in her leafy lane.

Much-loved Eye Sec

Amid predictions of an upsurge in stabbings and sullen youths openly displaying their stolen luxury underwear, the Eye Secretary tweeted forlornly: "I can cope with the pants, but have my hands full as it is with my Poles. never rains but it pours!"
Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest, a neighbour of the Eye Secretary's, also voiced her concern. "The prospect of all those strapping youths flocking to our quiet residential neighbourhood fills me with apprehension. However I've heard some very good things about Chicken Cottage, and I'm inclined to spend much of my time there from now on." 

Sullen youths
Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was also highly critical of the planned nugget emporium. "What we need here is a nice Lyon's Corner House," she said. "Them used to be the days. We had tripe and corned beef sarnies 'n all. Then they closed them all down when Queen Victoria came to the throne and it all went downhill from there."
Last night the influential Eye Cabinet was rallying round. In a statement issued from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, WandsworthEye said: "On no account must sullen urban youths be permitted to spread their menace in the environs of the Eye Secretary. If only the Liberal Democrats were still in government, this would never have happened." 

Tuesday, 5 May 2015


  • Chaos on streets of Wandsworth as nation prepares to vote
  • Panic-buying and empty shelves at Garratt Lane Sainsbury's  
  • SNP takeover 'imminent' as militiamen battle with plucky locals

Amid mounting chaos in Wandsworth on the eve of Britain's fiercely contested general election, a Special Forces rescue squad landed on the roof of Eye HQ this afternoon and airlifted the Eye to safety.

The Eye is airlifted from the roof of Eye HQ

As street battles raged outside between plucky locals and militiamen loyal to hated separatist leader Nikola Sturzhonova, the much-loved Eye was whisked away by helicopter to Gatwick, where he boarded one of the last flights out of the country to a secret destination off the coast of the Western Sahara.

The Eye's secret hideaway

"I can confirm that the Eye is now in safety," a spokesman said. "He is resting after a long and arduous journey, but continues to monitor developments in our crisis-wracked country with deep concern. The Eye wishes to thank the brave Special Forces who rescued him from grave peril with no thought for their own welfare."

On a day of despair across the borough, basic food supplies were running out as anxious residents flocked to Garratt Lane Sainsbury's in the hope of filling their bare cupboards. Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was among those scavenging for the last tins of beans. "If the SNP get in they'll fly the red flag from Wandsworth town hall and we'll all be sent to concentration camps," she warned. "It'll be just like when Hitler became Queen, you mark my words."

Empty shelves and scenes of panic at Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

Further along Garratt Lane, workmen were already busy erecting the plush new Palace of the Republic, from which Nikola Sturzhonova plans to rule her English dominions after the general election. Frightened contractors spoke of a vast network of dungeons under the monumental building, in which opponents of the SNP will be incarcerated and tortured with non-stop recordings of Ed Miliband speeches.

The SNP's hated Palace of the Republic on Garratt Lane

With final opinion polls before the general election showing the SNP on course to win hundreds of English seats as well as 80 of the 59 in Scotland, other key national figures were following the Eye's lead and fleeing incipient civil war. The Queen and Prince Philip reportedly boarded a midnight flight to Pyongyang; Theresa May was last seen waiting at Istanbul bus station, headed for the Syrian border; and Wandsworth Council leader Ravi Govindia is said to have taken up exile in Kensington & Chelsea.

In a statement just issued, WandsworthEye said: "At this grave juncture, I call upon all residents of SW18 to fight the wicked machinations of the Scottish National Party. Would the Eye Cabinet please assemble in Chapel Yard, pitchforks at the ready, for the battle will be long and hard."

Monday, 12 January 2015

SWT wins prestigious local rail franchise

Wandsworth commuters were rejoicing last night after Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin awarded a prestigious local rail franchise to South West Trains. The much-loved train operator, whose punctiliously reliable services have attracted worldwide acclamation, beat off stiff competition from rivals Southern, Southeastern, First Great Western and Arriva Wales to secure the coveted right to run the Southside Express for the next 20 years.

The glamorous Southside Express on its first day of operation

The busy circular service, operating every 20 minutes between Topshop and Waitrose at Southside shopping centre, will now be able to benefit from South West Trains' years of experience running trusted commuter services between Waterloo and Addlestone. Informed sources said SWT had won the franchise after promising that safety information would be displayed in all coaches - in English, Polish, Gujarati, Braille and Cuneiform.
"This is such an exciting day for Wandsworth," declared Aurelia Abercrombie-Postlethwaite, the borough's high-profile Integrated Transport Coordinator. "South West Trains will undoubtedly bring a commitment to excellence to this crucial service in the heart of the community. We all know they are the undisputed champion of customer care."

Last night officials spoke of far-reaching plans to extend the service well beyond Southside shopping centre to other parts of the borough. Respected Labour leader Ed Miliband also weighed into the debate, pledging: "If Labour wins the general election in May, I am very clear that we will consider examining a possible feasibility study into a potential extension of this key service that would otherwise be axed by the coalition." 

Experts said an envisaged link to a new WandsworthEye HQ Interchange in Chapel Yard could be completed by 2035 - even before Crossrail 2 and the Bakerloo Line extension.

Artist's impression of the proposed WandsworthEye HQ Interchange

However, fears rose last night that even South West Trains might struggle to cope with the vast logistical challenges of running the complex Southside Express franchise. Within minutes of the first train departing, a series of unforeseen issues caused delays around the entire 10-metre loop:
  • A teddy bear dropped onto the track by five-year-old Stacey derailed the 08:45 service to Topshop, causing light casualties.
  • Signal failure at Waitrose North meant anticlockwise services had to terminate at the flower stall.
  • Engineering works between Uniqlo and WHSmith left passengers struggling onto Rail Replacement Buses with their heavy shopping.
"It were utter pandemonium," complained frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer. "I don't know how I'm going to carry me cat food and custard creams home from Sainsbury's." 

Monday, 29 September 2014

'Black magic' coffee bar stokes fears of satanic rituals

Residents of Chapel Yard fled their neighbourhood in terror last night as rumours circulated that the new Black Chapel espresso bar was merely a cunning front for 'secret satanic rituals'

The imminent opening of the swanky new coffee outlet has been welcomed by long-standing opponents of Costa, just a stone's throw across the road. But some concerned locals said the 'sinister' signage recalled the very worst atrocities of 1980s TV favourite "Hammer House of Horror". 

Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern said: "My grandchildren burst into tears every time we walk past on our way to Waitrose. We have to make a big detour now and go past all the horrid chicken nugget shops on the High Street."

The 'sinister' new coffee bar in the heart of Chapel Yard

Amid frightened talk of 'black magic' practices including the sacrifice of severed goats' heads and the drinking of Asda Smart Price vodka, religious leaders appealed for calm and urged the community to remain steadfast in its prayers. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "We don't want any Sexpresso bars in our community, thank you very much. I shall be writing to UKIP and the Daily Mail to alert them to this latest threat to traditional family values in the heart of Tory-controlled Wandsworth."

Fears of sorcery in SW18

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton was also unambiguous in her opposition to the new coffee emporium. "I'd never be able to afford one of them posh coffees on me state pension," she complained. "Not after I've spent most of it on cat food and custard creams at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's."

But housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe ran to the defence of the Black Chapel espresso entrepreneurs. "I am one of many residents who have the misfortune to dwell above a chicken shop," she explained. "And I am firmly of the belief that this lavish new coffee bar presages an exciting new era for Chapel Yard, in which tracksuit-wearing chicken nugget-eating chavs will be banished for evermore. Hurrah for Black Chapel! All we need now is a little boutique branch of Harvey Nicks, a Gail's bakery and half a dozen estate agents, and Wandsworth truly will be coming up in the world!"